Breastfeeding vs. Formula

Breastfeeding versus formula feeding has become the great debate.  I had decided before Gracie was born that I definitely wanted to breastfeed.  I knew that this would be the best thing for her.  Although I had made this decision, I was very well aware that breastfeeding would be the hardest thing I had ever done.  I had great friends that encouraged me and told me that I could do it, but were also very honest with me to let me know just how difficult it was going to be.  To say the least, I was nervous about it, but knew it would be the best for Gracie. 

Well, Gracie was born and here I am trying to breastfeed for the first time.  For me, it didn't feel as "natural" as many people had said it would.  I knew that breastfeeding was something that both me and Gracie would have to learn, but I never could have imagined that it was going to be as difficult as it was.  

From the very beginning, Gracie and I struggled with breastfeeding.  She was having trouble latching on properly.  While at the hospital, I had to meet with two different lactation specialists.  I was immediately told I had to use a nipple guard since Gracie was not able to latch on the correct way.  They discovered that Gracie's Frenelum was not stretched out properly, therefore her tongue was not able to extend the way it should to be able to latch the correct way.  I spent alot of time in the hospital with the lactation specialist working on breastfeeding.  She even had me pumping to make sure that Gracie was receiving the colostrum that she should be receiving.  I was worried about Gracie's weight, but by the time we left the hospital, she had only dropped 4%, so the doctors and nurses were very pleased.  I went home, feeling a little more confident since she hadn't dropped too much weight.

Well, we came home, and things did not seem to go as well as I would like.  I kept persevering, but wasn't too sure.  When we went to Gracie's first doctor's visit, my fears were confirmed, when we discovered she had dropped 10% of her body weight.  The doctor did not like that, and set us up with an appointment the next day to see if she gained any weight over night and to meet with the pediatrician's lactation specialist.  The whole day after her appointment, I stressed.  I felt as if the feedings were still not going well and was so sure that they were going to make me start supplementing after she was weighed the next day.  We returned the next day, and much to my surprise, she had gained 4 oz over night.  The doctor was very impressed and said we didn't have to come back until her two week appointment.  We still met with the lactation specialist, who was great!  She had many helpful hints, but made it seem like we were basically doing a great job.  She even was able to get me off of the nipple guard, which I was very excited about that, because I did not like using it.  I went home feeling very hopeful.

As the next week and a half went by, things did not seem to get much better.  I was trying very hard, but to say the least, it was STRESSFUL!  I even starting stressing about how I could possibly do this when I went back to work.  Well, we went back for Gracie's 2 week appointment and discovered that she had only gained 4 more ounces in the past week and a half.  She had not gotten back up to her birth weight yet.  The doctor didn't seem too concerned, but wanted us to come back the next week to check her weight.  I was very concerned.  She also said that I could start pumping to save up some milk.  I went home discouraged about Gracie's weight, but ready to try to start pumping.  The next week continued to be very stressful.  I felt as if our feedings were not going very well, and pumping was definitely not going well.  As hard as I tried, I was not able to pump very much.  I started thinking how in the world am I going to do this at work.  I have to be able to pump in order to continue to breastfeed.  We went back the next Friday, and again to my surprise, Gracie had gained weight, and had even surpassed her birth weight.  She was now 8 pounds, 2 ounces.  (However, right after she weighted, she peed and pooped all over her daddy why he was changing her diaper, so she may have weighed a little less after that).  I started talking with the doctor about pumping and formula.  The doctor said she understood my frustrations and had felt the same way with her child.  She said if I wanted to change her over to formula, that I should start substituting one feeding per week to get her ready for school. 

It was a very difficult decision for me, but in the end, I have decided to switch Gracie over to formula.  I can't express how difficult this decision was, but the thought of trying to breastfeed while at work completely stressed me out, especially with all of our difficulties.  I decided that Gracie and I did not need that stress.  I have since then switched over one feeding to formula and now switching over a second feeding.  I actually really like it.  I feel as if I can actually enjoy feeding my daughter.  I love the way she looks at me while I am bottle feeding her.  I actually feel as if we have a better connection during the feeding and that she seems much more satisfied after the formula.  I feel as if this is the best thing for both Gracie and myself.

I greatly admire every mother who is able to breastfeed at all, and especially for an extended amount of time.  I know what great sacrifices they go through to be able to do this for their child.  I feel as if I did all I could for my little girl but just am not able to do it for an extended amount of time.  I love her so much and want the very best for her.  I believe this is the best. 

On a side note, Gracie was able to follow me with her eyes today.  This is the first time that I noticed her being able to focus and follow me with her eyes.  I was so excited to watch her eyes follow me back and forth and side to side.  I tried to get her to do it later, and she didn't do it, but I know we are progressing.  It is so exciting to see how our little girl is already changing and growing so much.  :)